Things I wish I could say tonight:
Maybe it was your lack of ability to form coherent texts but I don’t really appreciate you being drunk at the club and telling me some girl who lives in Virginia Highlands wants you to go with them to Atlanta? And y’all might plan a trip soon? CAN YOU FUCKING NOT.
I was over the whole not-texting thing but then you say you’re “meeting” with some people which really just entails you going to the club and “working” which is really just getting drunk in the VIP suite with bottle service and who knows what/who else. Look, I don’t care. I said you could go out and do stuff/have fun with your friends, but I wasn’t expecting you to be so inconsiderate during the day and then go fucking clubbing and drinking at night.
So don’t call me at 4am while you’re walking back to your apartment. Don’t call me when you can’t even manage to not slur your apologies. You can take your sorry’s and gag on them. I hope you feel super shitty and hungover tomorrow.
Except not really. Not really to this whole entire thing because I don’t like hearing you slur your words. I don’t like it, not because I want to scold you for being drunk, but because it makes me want to take care of you and make sure you get home okay and rub your back if you’re vomiting your brains out in the bathroom. Because I love you and I wish I could say it without feeling self-concious that you think it’s too soon, but nothing makes me feel it more than after fighting with you because at the end of the day, I can’t stay mad at you. That’s how I know. And sure, I know I love you when we’re laying in bed and I feel butterflies or when I miss you so hard it feels like someone is squeezing my heart in their fist or when I anticipate hearing your voice at the end of the night. But no, I love you even more when I feel like I shouldn’t or couldn’t love you. I love your flaws and when you make me anxious and when I want to role my eyes at these petty little mistakes because the thing I love the most about you, the thing I’m learning day by day, is that you’re not perfect.
So, just because I sound like I’m angry when I get off the phone doesn’t mean that I don’t love you just as much. I’m just angry because I’m tired and I got my feelings hurt today and I miss you.
I wish on days like these I wouldn’t feel this way when you don’t call. I wish we could always see the best in each other instead of days when I feel a little neglected, like you’re too busy living your city life to remember to be considerate and drop a line to your Atlanta girlfriend every once in awhile. I don’t care what famous person you’re shooting, it doesn’t take a lot to text someone even if it’s just a few words to let them know you’re busy throughout the day. And it sucks, because I have come to expect a certain standard from you and now that you’re not living up to it, I’m starting to feel resentful. I don’t want to be that kind of girlfriend, not yet, not ever. I don’t want to hear from you tonight and then passive-aggressively tear you a new one or ignore you for the next couple of days out of spite. Don’t make me become that person.
Communication is always going to be the hardest part of a long-distance relationship. Maybe not talking for a day and a half is no big deal, but if that’s all we have right now, you better fucking acknowledge that it’s a huge fucking deal and I have a right to be mad at you even if I’ll never show it. Even if I pretend to be super understanding when you finally call or videochat me because it’s so damn hard to be mad at such a cute boy, I hope you know that I’m actually fuming on the inside because you’re so fucking inconsiderate.
Tim is coming this Friday! Ahhhh!
